Little Johnny Jokes.

[satchmo]

Little Johnny & April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.


Johnny's Camp Trip

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".


20 Questions With Little Johnny

One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

Whats In The Bag

Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag

She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.

Then he says now let me give you one.

He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.

The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.

Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking.


Santa Likes Girls

A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"


The Birds and The Bees
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"


Masturbate Joke
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

Little Johnny in Biology Class

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

Little Johnny's Assignment

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."


Little Johnny and Class Trivia

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity.

She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outta here."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You may go."

Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go."

Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had answered first.

Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" and the teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. you may go."

Now Johnny was furious!

The teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"


Little Johnny and Raw Materials

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"


Little Johnny and a New Teacher

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."v
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

LITTLE JOHNNY AT THE STATION
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


LITTLE JOHNNY HORSIE RIDE
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

LITTLE JOHNNY PLAYING GAMES
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game with suzie again!"


LITTLE JOHHNY ASKING
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"


LITTLE JOHNNY ASKING 2
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"


LITTLE JOHHNY SEX ED
There is a teacher teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th graders. She walks to the chalk board and draws a huge penis on the board! She truns to the class and simply asked the class, "Class, does any one know what that is?" The class sits silently for a second or two than little johnny stands from the back! He yells, "I know what that is! It's a PENIS! I know cause my dad's got two! The small one he pee's from, and the big one he brushes the babysitters teeth with!"


LITTLE JOHHNY SALESMAN
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father as at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?" Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower." The Salesman asked if his mother was at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The Salesman: "Well can I see her?" Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.." The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?" Little Johnny: "No." The salesman asked why. Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."


And finnaly something without johhny to end things with...

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son...

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.

We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send you another one.

Love, Ma




Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

Smart Johnny

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"



Here Cat

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom, one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed preparing for a quickie by sliding a condom on.
In attempt to hide his condom-covered erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

"Whatta ya doin', dad?" Little Johnny asked.

"Uhhhh . . . I thought I saw the cat go underneath the bed," his father quickly replied.

"Really, Dad? Whatta ya gonna do, screw it?"



Moral Assignment

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and a case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[LaurieJim]

lil johnny is one bad lil dude

 

[satchmo]

How did i get here?Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?"
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"
"Yes, Johnny, He did."
"And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"
Again the answer was, "Yes, Johnny, He did."
Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me
there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?!?!? No wonder
everyone is so cranky!"


It's Showtime.
The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decided
what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will
recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his
frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his
act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and
watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous
applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the
delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him
there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of
the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY!
GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"


Johnnys poop.
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of
it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do? The shrink said, "Since
Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to
bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile
of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests,"

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for
Christmas. I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I
wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around
the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning
up against the damn garage.

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of
dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the
tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog
poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look
on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this
year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the
son-of-a-bitch!"


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero..

 

[satchmo]

Ready for a higer grade.
Johnny says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?" Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?" Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's expected answer, Johnnie said: "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

"I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny," the Sunday School teacher said to her most mischievous child.

"Why," questioned Johnny, "What have you been doing wrong?"


Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"



Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you gotta spend a couple of hours playing first!"



Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds, "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?"

Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"

Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate. "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute."

"Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"

"A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny."

"Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I have one of your pennies?"

God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."



Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."



Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Farmer Johnny
Little Johnny didn't show up at school one day.

The next day, when the teacher asked him why he stayed home, Little Johnny explained, "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull."

"How disgusting," remarked the teacher, "I'm sure your father could have done that!"

"No ma'am, he couldn't have, 'cause he only takes care of the sheep..."



Gift
It was the second grade teacher's birthday. So every child in the class was giving her a special gift.

Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the teacher some beautiful flowers.

Robert's parents owned a candy shop. Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted candies.

Then it was little Johnny's turn. Johnny's dad owned a liquor store! So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher. When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet. So she put her finger on it and tasted.

"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.

"No, it's not wine!" Johnny replied.

She tasted it again. "Hmmmmmm. Is it some sort of liquor?"

"Nope, it's not liquor!" said Johnny.

She tasted it again and was puzzled. "Well, Johnny, I give up. What is it?"

Johnny was excited. "It's a puppy!" he said.



Full Tank
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Daddy! What are you doin'?"

His father replied, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."

Little Johnny remarks, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage, cause the postman filled her this morning."


Poor Fish
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."


The President and Johnny
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school, and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. The students and their teacher are in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy," so the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."


Satchmo the man the myt the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Canary
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."


Where is God?
Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest.

The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?"

A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet.

Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?"

Little Johnny replied, "I'm in BIG trouble this time... God is missing and they think I did it!"



Johnny's Lines
Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"



Missing Johnny
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Search team? What are they looking for?"

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me!"



Satchmo the man themyth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Important
Teacher: Johnny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Johnny: Me!

Watch
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
Did you get that for your birthday? he asked.
Nope, Jimmy replied.
Well did you get it for Christmas then? Johnny asked.
Nope.
You didn't steal it, did you?
No, said Jimmy. I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; What do you want now?
I wanna watch, Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet, then.


Pockets
A Sunday School teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

Sounds
The teacher asked Mary "What sound does a cat make?"
Mary said "A cat says meow, meow."

Then the teacher asked Billy "What sound does a cow make?"
Billy said "A cow goes mooo, mooo."

Then the teacher asks Johnny, "What sound does a pig make?"
Johnny says "A pig says, 'Freeze, get your hands up against the wall!'"

 

[satchmo]

Age
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "if the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?"
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me how did you guess?"
"Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said, "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."


Pants
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny .
So she said , "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.


Raisins
Little Johnny always gave his teacher raisins everyday, till one Tuesday. When she asked him why he had stopped bringing in the treats that she liked so much, he said, "Miss, my rabbit died."


Perhaps
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain."
The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Dirty Johnny in the back.
"John?"
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."


Light
Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into".
His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group".
Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go. He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!"


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[winbig]

Watch
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
Did you get that for your birthday? he asked.
Nope, Jimmy replied.
Well did you get it for Christmas then? Johnny asked.
Nope.
You didn't steal it, did you?
No, said Jimmy. I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; What do you want now?
I wanna watch, Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet, then.

This Johnny is one warped kid.

I wish I was the shrink that he's gonna need when he grows up...I'd make a fortune

 

[satchmo]

A new work week begins and so im i.

Little Johnny Joke: Ugly Baby

A lady boarded a bus with a little baby in her arms. The driver glanced at the baby once and exclaimed, 'My God. That's one ugly baby.'
The lady slammed her fare down the fare box and angrily went and sat at the back of the bus. Little johnny saw her angry face and asked her what the problem was.
'That mean driver just insulted me,' the lady said.
Sensing trouble Little Johnny's eyes sparkled. 'What! That idiot! He shouldn't have insulted you. What a nerve!'
'Yeah,' said the lady. 'I think I'll go now and give him a piece of my mind.'
'Sure thing!' encouraged the excited Little Johnny. 'You should tell him that he shouldn't tell you something so offensive'
'Hmm, yes,' said the lady, trying to rise from her seat with the baby in her arms.'I'll go right now!'
'Yeah sure,' said Little Johnny, and added excitedly, 'here, let me hold your monkey.'



Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."


In Love with Teacher

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"


The wedgie

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[happygobrokey]

i've got one.

the class is doing vocabulary and the teacher asks someone to use the verb "fascinate" in a sentence. suzie is called upon, and says "learning about words is fascinating." the teacher says "nice try, but the way you've used it is not precisely as a verb. in your sentence, fascinating was used to work like an adjective in a case we call a gerund. so can someone else try to use it as a verb?" and little johnny raised his hand and said: "my sister's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

 

[satchmo]

Johnny's pussy

At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Johnny had a cat up his pants.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Johnny started crying, "I woke up this morning to hear the mailman tell my mommy, 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!'"


What a Chicken Gives

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!" And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"

And Little Johnny replied, "Fucking homework and tests!"



I can go fishing!

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register.
The cashier looks at the boy and asks, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"

Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."

The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"

Little Johnny says, "Uh-unh."

The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your granny!"

Little Johnny says, "Nope."

The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are you going to do with them?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"


$1000 instant lotto

Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms.

His dad said," Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Johnny said, "No!!"

Johnny's dad said, "Well, there's your answer."

Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios.

His dad, again, said, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Johnny said,"No!!"

His dad said, "Well, there's your answer."

At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny's dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket.

Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!!

His dad said,"Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?"

Johnny asked,"Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Johnny's dad said,"As a matter of fact, I can!"

Johnny said,"GOOD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!"



Penis like a peanut

Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"

"No silly, it's salty!"



Anything you say...

When Johnny got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."

Johnny said, "Claudia Schiffer's breasts."

 

[satchmo]

The wedgie

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"


The Sum

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and asked, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


Dirty Ernie

Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! look at that!"

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

Dirty Ernie then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"


Going to the Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"


Cow on heat

Little Jonny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull".

"How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that"

"No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be the Bull".


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Real Vs Fake

Once little Johnny went into a shop he took a toy plane and gave the shopkeeper fake money.

So, the shopkeeper told him, "Hey you, this ain't real money."

Little Johnny (continues walking out of the shop) didn't reply.

The shopkeeper said the same thing and the same thing happened.

The third time the shopkeeper called him, Little Johnny said "What?"

The shopkeeper said, "This aint real money."

Little Johnny finally said, "And this aint a real plane."


Stork brings babies

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?

Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? Mother: A raven, dear.

Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?

Mother: A swallow!


Can I Have A Drink?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later, "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"


Making new brother

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water.... while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm� just making your brother Johnny �..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ....he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[LaurieJim]

Real Vs Fake

Once little Johnny went into a shop he took a toy plane and gave the shopkeeper fake money.

So, the shopkeeper told him, "Hey you, this ain't real money."

Little Johnny (continues walking out of the shop) didn't reply.

The shopkeeper said the same thing and the same thing happened.

The third time the shopkeeper called him, Little Johnny said "What?"

The shopkeeper said, "This aint real money."

Little Johnny finally said, "And this aint a real plane."


Stork brings babies

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?

Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? Mother: A raven, dear.

Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?

Mother: A swallow!


Can I Have A Drink?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later, "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"


Making new brother

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water.... while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm� just making your brother Johnny �..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ....he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

my favorite one yet, i cant wait to see what happens in his teen years


laurie

 

[BingoT]

little Johnny has this one and I can't find the start of this.It starts with the land --------------- and goes on.I know Happy can work on this one.
Find them all and put them in order for us Happy.

 

[satchmo]

I got em all, i post them in tomorrows Little Johhny daily thread.


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

As requested.


Little Johnny Adds To The Picture...

It was Friday morning, and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called Add To The Picture.

The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.

The teacher called on Josh to start things off.

Link Removed ( Old/Invalid)

Josh returned to his seat.

The teacher called on Erik next.

Link Removed ( Old/Invalid)

Erik returned to his seat.

Now it was Rachel's turn.

Link Removed ( Old/Invalid)

Rachel returned to her seat.

Next, the teacher called Joe to the board.

Link Removed ( Old/Invalid)

Joe returned to his seat.

Angela was called to the board.

Link Removed ( Old/Invalid)

Angela returned to her seat.

About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being dirty-minded, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything.

But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty.

So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.

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Neighbors baby

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be in trouble if he needed glasses"


It's ok

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Mouthful

"OK, class....today we will be studying 3 syllable words. Who would like to give an example?"

Johnny's hand shot up in the air very quickly, "ME, ME...PICK ME!"

"OK, Johnny, go ahead."

"Uh, how about.....masturbate?" Johnny asked.

"WHOA! Very good! That's a mouthful!" The teacher exclaimed.

"NO, NO teacher! A mouthful would be a blow job!"


When You Grow Up
"What do you want to be when you grow up little Johnny?"

"A doctor?"

"And why is that?"

"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."


Biology class

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"

Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[LaurieJim]

man thats one twisted kid i love it......laurie

 

[satchmo]

Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"



$5 Red Hats

Little Johnny's father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along.

Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat."

An excited Little Johnny agreed.

Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."


Artistic Johnny
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book.

The teacher noticed the fly sitting on the grade book, so she smacked it with a ruler. But, the fly didn't fly away, so she smacked the grade book once again. Again, the fly didn't fly away.

This drove the teacher mad, so she started to pound the grade book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book quickly amounted to nothing more than a bunch of torn sheets of paper.

With the class laughing, the embarrassed teacher realized what had happened.

That afternoon, the teacher called Little Johnny's father to school., "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.

"That's nothing," remarked Little Johnny's father., "Last week, he drew a naked woman on the fence in our yard and I've been pulling splinters out of my dick ever since!"



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Toilet

L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?

Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?

L.Johnny: But I asked first!


Socks

Teacher What a pair of strange socks you are
wearing, one is
green
nd one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny Yes it's really strange. I've got another
pair of the
same at home.


Brotherly love

Teacher Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and
stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
L-Johnny Brotherly love.


Cook

Teacher Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before
eating?
L-Johnny No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a
good cook.


Discussion


A stranger was seated next to Little Johnnie on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnnie, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnnie. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pelleile a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnnie, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Who im i

The final examination for an English class was two hours long and exam booklets were provided. The teacher was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, Little Johnny came rushing in and asked the teacher for an exam booklet.
"You`re not going to have time to finish this," the teacher stated sarcastically as he handed him a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied Little Johnny.

He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the teacher called for the exams, and all the students filed up and handed them in except Johnny, who continued writing. Fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny came up to the teacher who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don`t, I`m not going to accept that. It`s late."

Little Johnny looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don`t," replied the teacher.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Little Johnny said again.

"No, and I don`t care." replied the teacher with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied Little Johnny, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in
the middle, and walked out of the room.


What is his job?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Johhny?"

Johnny proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Johnny's house and rang the bell. Johnny's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Johnny's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


Super Bowl

A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there. The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."

"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"

The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

Getting Monday Off

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The fist friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to sgo to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"
Little Johnny said," Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday."


Learning To Count

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...


What A Deal!

Little Johnny was talking a walk down the street when he found something on the road. He was not sure what it was and was playing with it when this man came running towards him out of breath.
"Hey kid that is mine. Can I have it back please?" the man said
Little Johnny said, "Well i found it first."
The man was getting mad becuse it was a condom and he needed it, then he remembers he has a loney in his pocket and says, "hey little boy i will give you this loney if i can have that.. er.. donnut."
Little Johnny is pleased with the deal and the next thing you know he's back home with a really big smile on his face.
Little johnny's mom noticed this and said, "Why are you so happy then?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because this man on the street gave me this loney for this donnut I had, but what he doesn't know is I licked all the jelly out first."



I Know The Whole Truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY DO?

Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. My fathers an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, hell go out to the alley with some screaming fag and have sex with them. The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, Is that really true about your father? No, said Johnny, he plays for the Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say so.


Peel & Win

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices theres a Peel and Winsticker on her coffee cup. So shes peels the sticker off and starts screaming, Ive won a motor home! Ive won a motor home! The waitress says, Thats impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch. But the blonde keeps screaming, Ive won a motor home! Ive won a motor home! Finally the manager comes over and says, Maam, Im sorry, but youre mistaken. You couldnt possibly have won a motor home because we didnt have that as a prize! The blonde says, No its not a mistake. Ive won a motor home! She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads W I N A B A G E L


BLONDES CAN BE BRAVE TOO

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. Ill try she said, but only if youll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle



LITTLE JOHNNY LOOSES THE ARGUMENT

Little Johnny and Billy were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
Little Johnny said, My father is better than your father.

Billy said, Well, my mother is better than your mother.

Little Johnny paused, I guess youre right. My father says the same thing.



LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE SHOVEL

The teacher was giving a lesson in her English class. She put a shovel on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their minds when thy saw this shovel.
Billy said, I think about my dad. He is a construction worker.

Suzie I think about our new house.

Then the teacher thought, Why dont I ask Little Johnny? After all, what can he say about a shovel that would be improper?

So, she said, Little Johnny, what do you think about when you see this shovel?

Little Johnny stopped carving a big J into his desk and said Naked chicks!

The teacher was horrified But why, Little Johnny? Why? This is a shovel!

Little Johnny said,

I always think about naked Chicks!


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[LaurieJim]

thanks satch, lil johnnys almost like my morning coffee ,cant start the day off with out it.....laurie

 

[satchmo]

Ohh felling the preassure then, couse now i cant stop this thread, dont want to see you get mad becouse you havent had you daily Johnny and coffe
But today im derailing a bit only.

Indefinitely Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word indefinitely in a sentence. Well, Little Johnny has his hand raised in the back of the class.

But the teacher knows hes a trouble maker and that he doesnt know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely. Good the teacher replies. What about you Jenny? Jenny says, Since the bus broke down, transportation was stopped indefinitely.

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and she asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So theres Little Johnny waving his hand. And the teacher thinks (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,

As I felt my balls slap off her ass, I knew that I was in definitely


MATHEMATICS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, Youre next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Lets get back.

Lil' Johnny
One day little Johnny ran up to his Pa and asked "Hey, Pa, how come when the chicken died, it laid on it's back with it's legs in the air?"

Pa, thinking fast, answered "Well, son, you see it did that so it'd be easy for God to reach down and take the chicken by the legs and haul him on up to heaven."

Later that week, when Pa came back from a trip to the feed store, little Johnny ran up to him. "Pa! Pa! Ma almost died today!" exclaimed little Johnny.

"Slow down, son, and tell me what happened." said Pa.

"Well, I was going upstairs to get my baseball glove, and when I walked past your room, Ma was on her back with her legs in the air, just like the chicken! She was yelling 'Oh, I'm coming! I'm coming!' and if it hadn't been for Uncle Steve holding her down, we'd a lost her for sure!"



Big people words...

Mrs. Jones' 1st grade class had just gotten back from spring break, and she was asking her students what they did over break.

When asked what she did, little Julie replied, "I went to the farm and saw the Moo Moo."

Mrs. Jones smiled and replied, "That's great Julie, but use big people words. You went to the farm and saw the cow. "

She then turned to Melissa and asked what she did over break.

Melissa blurted out, "I went on the Choo Choo with mommy and daddy."

Mrs. Jones smiled again and replied, "That is great Melissa, but remember to use big people words. You went on the train with mom and dad."

Lastly, Mrs. Jones looked across the room and pointed to Johnny. "What did you do during your break, Johnny?"

Johnny, who had had his hand raised, puffed out his chest, smiled and replied, "Over spring break, I read Winnie the Shit."


The Zoo

Little Johnny goes to the zoo with his mother. They get to the elephant enclosure and one of them is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and asks, "Mom, what's that?" His mother insists, "Oh, that's nothing. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo again, this time with his father. Back at the elephant house, Johnny points out the old elephant parts and asks, "Daddy, what's that?" His father replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?" Johnny answers, "She told me it was nothing." His father nods and says, "Son, your mother is spoiled."



Little Johnnys' Bike

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Johnny was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he
deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course,
thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on
his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think
about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and
tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Johnny
stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy
this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Johnny. I have been a good boy this year and would
like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter
and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like
a bike for my birthday. Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny
wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I
will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please!
Thanks, Johnny

Johnny knew, even if it were true, this letter was not going to get him
a bike. Now, Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his
Mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan
had worked as Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for
dinner," Johnny's mother told him.

Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little
Johnny went into the church and up to the alter. He looked around to
see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of
the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the
church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut
the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Johnny began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO!!!


Puppy

Little Johny and his dad are walking down the street and they see too dogs mating. Johny looks up at his dad and says daddy what are they doing and Johny's Dad says they are making puppys.

That night johny walks in on his parents and they are have sex so he asks his dad what are you doing. Johny's father says Well johny we are making you a little brother.

then johny says Well flip her over i want a puppy.


Stuttering

One day at school Little Johnny is in class and his teacher tells him that humans are the only species that stutter. Immediatly little johnnys hand shoots up. "thats not true teacher", he says.
His teacher says it is so true, but johnny insists it isn't and he can prove it. So, His teachers tells him to give them an example of something other than a human stuttering.
Little johnny stands up and tells the class...."the other day I was out playing in the yard with my cat when the neighbors Pit Bull breaks through the fence and charges my cat. Well, my cat turns to the dog and says "FFFFFFFFFFF fffffffffff fffffffffff" but before he could get out " FUCK YOU !!!!!!!" the dog ate him!!!!



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero.....

 

[satchmo]

Weight

Little Johnny's dad and grandfather were sorting out their pigs. They did this by dad handing a little pig to his father, who promptly dangled the pig by the tail which he held between his teeth, then stated the pig's weight and wrote it down. Seems grandfather was really good at this and could weigh a pig to within a couple of ounces.
After weighing most of the pigs, dad asked little Johnny to go up to the house and get them all a drink. Upon his return, dad asked little Johnny what mom was doing.......and so Johnny replied, " I think she's weighing the UPS man."


Oral sex

Johnny asks father: "Does grampa still have sex with granny?"

Father replies: "I'm sorry, son, but they both are much too old to have sex."

Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny asks: "What is oral?"

Grandpa says: "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."


For the sick

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."


Geography
the teacher is standing in the classroom doorway greeting all the kids as they arrive.
good morning mary ........good morning miss
good morning sally ........good morning miss
good morning johnny ...........get fucked miss

well now johnny you can just go stand in the corner and think about what you said .
the morning rolls on and its lunch time........ok children you can all go out and play , not you johnny.
you can come here and i will ask you a question on geography if you can answer me properly you can go out with the other children,
johnny where is the paskistan border ........, and johnny says that bastard is at home in bed with mum and thats why i never got any breakfast and thats why i aint in a good fukin mood


Mice
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom.
He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room.
Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on.
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
"I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing?
Fucking them?"


Catch
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Good Manner

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the
toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your
part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be
back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word
"toilet," during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to
go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to
introduce you to after dinner."

Show and tell

Little Johnny's teacher is showing the kid's pictures of animals and having the kids guess what kind of an animal is shown. She holds up the monkey, the giraffe, the zebra and the kids diligently raise their hands and guess.

When the teacher holds up a picture of huge 19 point buck the kids just can't seem to guess what it is. Finally, the teacher turns to little Johnny and says, "Johnny, you should get this one, what does you mom sometimes call your dad around the house?

Johnny thinks for a moment real hard and then finally smiles knowingly and blurts out: "So that's what a horney bastard looks like!"

Smart

Johnny and his parents just moved from Alabama to New York and Johnny is going into the 3rd grade. On the first day of school Johnny's teacher asks the kids to count to 100. None of the kids could do it but Johnny not only counted to 100 but all the way to 1000. He rushed home and told his dad. "I counted all the way to 1000 today in class and none of the other students could do it. Why is that?" His dad replied, "Well you're so smart because you're from Alabama."

The 2nd day of school the teacher asked the kids to recite the alphabet. None of the kids could get past K but Johnny made it all the way to the end. After school he ran home and told his dad, "Dad I made it through the whole alphabet and none of the other students could get past K! Why is that?" His dad replied, "Well you're so smart because you're from Alabama."

On the 3rd day of school Johnny just finished Gym class and he and his classmates were in the locker room showering. Johnny looked around and noticed that his penis was so much larger than anyone else in his class. He ran home and told his dad, "Hey dad! After gym today the guys were taking a shower in the locker room and I noticed that I was so much bigger than they were! Why is that?" His dad replied, "Thats because your 21."


Leaving

Little Johnny asked for a new bicycle for his birthday.
"Son, we'd love to give you a new bike but our home mortgage is $280,000, your mother just lost her job, and there's just no way we can afford it," said his father.
The next morning, Dad caught Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.
"Johnny? Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving!" replied Little Johnny indignantly.
"But why, son?"
"Well, Dad, last night, when I passed your room, I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out, and then she told you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm staying here alone with a $280,000 mortgage and no bicycle!"


Weather
One day in school, Little Johnny's was learning about the weather. The teacher asked, "Class, can any one tell us what animal is usually depicted as a weather vane?"

Johnny's said, "Yes, they use a cock as a weather vane."

The teacher replied, "That's right Johnny, can anyone tell us why
they use a cock?"

And Johnny said, "Yes, if they used a pussy then the wind
would whistle right through."

Burnt
TEACHER: "Johnny, why were you off school last week?"
JOHNNY: "My Dad got burnt."
TEACHER: "Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that. Was he burnt badly?"
JOHNNY: "Oh, they don't muck about at the Crematorium."


Big and little

Little Johnny and his mother are at the airport, getting ready to board a plane. Johnny looks out the window and sees all the planes.
He tugs on his mom's jacket and asks, "Mom, if Big people have little people and Big animals have little animals, how come Big planes don't have little planes?"
Flustered, his mom tries to think of a response. After a couple seconds, she hopes he has forgotten about it, and pretends she didn't hear.
A few minutes later, Johnny asks again. Unable to come up with a good answer, Johnny's mom says "Why don't you ask the stewardness on the plane?"

Once they're on the plane, the stewardess comes by with the peanuts and drinks. Johnny asks her "If Big people have little people, and Big animals have little animals, how come Big planes don't have little planes?"
The stewardess looks and Johnny and says, "Did your mom tell you to ask me this?" Johnny nods. The stewardess says "Well, you can just tell your mom it's because Southwest always pulls out on time!"




Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

Sounds

lil johnny sitin in class when the teacher asked "what sound does a lion make"? mary responds with a "roar"
very good mary said the teacher.
"what sound does a cow make asked the teacher"moooooooo responds robby
very good said the teacher.
"now who can tell me what sound does a cat make"?
johnny responds with "woofa". the teacher said how can that be a cat makes a meeow sound johnny.
well miss when you dunck it in petrol & set it a lite it goes "woofa"


LITTLE DRIP

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"


A DROP IN THE BUCKET

One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water
hole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.

"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been
there for years, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as
I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"


LITTLE JOHNNY AND WORMS

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"


THE TRUTH

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny replies, "A teacher."


LITTLE JOHNNY AND FATHER JOSEPH

Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"


ON THE BUS

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

LUCKY JOHNNY

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".


RIB

A Sunday School teacher was telling the children that God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny became fascinated when the teacher told him how Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later that week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were in pain, and asked, Johnny, what's the matter sweetie? Little Johnny replied, "I have a pain in my side! I think I'm going to have a wife!"


HOLIDAY SPELL

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their holidays. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer.

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher
said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of
it, we went to Iowa."


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[happygobrokey]

Later that week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were in pain, and asked, Johnny, what's the matter sweetie? Little Johnny replied, "I have a pain in my side! I think I'm going to have a wife!"

funny how the pain in the side remains even after you get the wife.

 

[satchmo]

Sorry folks about the hold up, been working...

GOD

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnnys face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"


Play Mommie and Daddy
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says,
"Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says,
"There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says,
"OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says,
"I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says,
"Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says,
"You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up
the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and says,
"What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says,
"Get your fuckin' lazy butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"


Ideally and Pragmatically
Little Johnny went up to his dad and asked "Dad, what's the difference between Ideally and Pragmatically?"

"Johnny," Dad answered, "Go to your mom and sister and ask them if they'd sleep with a stranger for one million dollars."

Johnny went and asked and after some hemming and hawing, received two "yes" answers. He reported this back to his father.

"Ideally, Johnny, we're sitting on two million. Pragmatically, however, your mom and sister are a couple of whores."


Smart
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Eddy to the principal's office.

While Johhny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, and he agreed to take the test. And so the examination commenced:
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Would you allow me to ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment of deep thought, answers "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!?
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Johnny: Pants
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.
Johnny: Shake hands
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Johnny: Bubblegum
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Johnny: Coconut
The principal was now feeling a bit flustered by the onslaught of such unnerving questions.
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Johnny: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Johnny: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Johnny: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Johnny: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Johnny: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."


CIRCUS
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.

Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny. 'Are you the rear end of an ass?'

'No,' replies little Johnny again. 'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.' Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze

Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, \'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?\'

Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:

\'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!


Penis
Little Johnny and Jimmy are playing out on the playground. Jimmy turns to Little Johnny
and says, "Little Johnny, what's a penis?"
Little Johnny replies, "I don't know. I'll ask my parents when I get home."
So that afternoon Little Johnny goes home. Little Johnny's mom is in the kitchen. Little Johnny
goes up to her and asks, "Mom, what's a penis?"
Little Johnny's mom says, "Johnny! Don't ask me questions like that! Go ask
your father."
So Little Johnny runs off and finds his father, reading the afternoon paper.
Little Johnny asks his father, "Dad, what's a penis?"
Little Johnny's father seems quite pleased with his son's question. "Ah, my son
is becoming a man!" Little Johnny's father stands up, undoes his pants, pulls
them and his underwear down.
"This, my son, this is a penis," says Little Johnny's father. "And for your
information, this is not just any old penis. This is a 'perfect' penis."
Now fully informed, Little Johnny returns to school the next day. At recess
Jimmy approaches Billy.
"Hey, Billy, did you find out what a penis is?"
"Yeah, I did," Little Johnny says, and leads Jimmy back behind some tress where
no one can see them.
Little Johnny undoes his pants, pulls them and his underwear down and says,
"Jimmy, this is a penis. And not only that: if it were two inches
shorter, it would be a 'perfect' penis."



And something extra

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse is Having a Cyber Affair
10 LATELY SHE SITS AT THE COMPUTER NAKED
9 AFTER SIGNING OFF HE ALWAYS HAS A CIGARETTE
8 THE GIANT RUBBER INFLATIBLE DISK DRIVE
7 IN THE MORNING THE COMPUTER SCREEEN IS ALL FOGGED UP
6 HE HAS GOTTEN AMAZINGLY GOOD AT TYPING WITH ON HAND. (YOU KNOW
ABOUT THAT RITE)
5 SHE MAKES SARCASTIC REMARKS ABOUT YOUR SOFTWARE
4 LIPSTICK ON THE MOUSE
3 DURING SEX SHE SCREAMS A-COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 THE JAM IN THE LASER PRINTER IS A PAIR OF UNDERPANTS
AND THE TOP SIGN YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING A CYBER AFFAIR IS
1 THE FAX FILE IS FILLED WITH PICTURES OF SOME GUYS ASS



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

Johhny takes his final exam

Johnny is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.

The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?

"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''



Praying to Harold

Little Johnny's dad was listening Johnny saying his prayer "Dear Harold." At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, why did you call God 'Harold'?" Little Johnny looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."



Johnny and Grandma

Johnny has to stay at Grandma's for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandma's crotch and says, "Grandma, what's that?!?"

Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies, "That's my beaver, Johnny."

"Oh, okay." And this answer seems to appease Johnny's curiousity.

Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, she'd bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him. "Mom, what's that?" asks Johnny pointing to Mom's nether regions.

Taken back, Mom says, "Johnny, that's my beaver."

Johnny replies, "I thought so. I think Grandma's is dead. Its tongue is hanging out and its all gray and wrinkled!"



Little Johnny's parents
One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnny's body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies:" Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up."

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnny's body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says:
" Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didn't say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didn't say a thing until dad asked:
"did you come?" and mom answered
"Yeah, I came" and I said
"where were you?"


Wishes come true
10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.

Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.

He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating " Oh,I need a man, Ohhh I need a man."

Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.

Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating " Oh, I need a man. Ohhh,I need a man." Once again he backs out quietly.

Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.

Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams " I GOT IT !!!!!!"


Argument
Little Johnny and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little Johhny says to the little girl, "I have a Nintendo!"

Little girl says, "Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a Nintendo!"

Little Johhny says, "So, my dad's a doctor!"

Little girls says, "My dad's an astronaut!"

Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally Little pulls down his shorts and proclaims, "But I have on of these!!!!" and shows the little girl his penis.

The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home. The next day, the little girl spots little Johnny and proudly announces, "My mom said that with one of these (pointing to her's) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!


First Class Blondie

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

Chicken

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, . and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling! The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that farmer said? Little Johhny raised his hand and said, I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken! The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

In or out
Little Johnny's whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him How do you expect to get into Heaven? Little johhny thought it over and said, Well, Ill run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, For Heavens sake, Johhny, come in or stay out!


Nymphomaniacs of America
Johhny boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure?

She turned, smiled and said, Business. Im going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

Whats your business role at this convention?

Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there?

Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. Im sorry, she said, I shouldnt really be discussing all of this with you. I dont even know your name.

Tonto, Johhny said , Tonto Goldstein, but my friends down south call me Bubba.



More in the morning

Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

 

[satchmo]

Old blue

Johnny was going off to college. Before he left his dad wanted to have a talk with him. "Son, before you head off to college I'd like you to have the old Dodge truck. It's been a good running truck and will get you around." Johnny says "Gee, thanks Dad." Dad continues, "and Son, Why don't you take Old Blue. He's been a good dog, he'll keep you company at college." Johnny thanks his Dad again and heads off to college in the Dodge truck and Old Blue by his side. While at college Johnny knocks up a girl and trys to think of a way to get some money. So he calls home. "Hey Dad!"

"Johnny, how's the truck running?"
"Good Dad, Good."
"How's Old Blue?"
"He's Good, but the Professor here says for $400 he can teach old blue to talk."
"Oh, Money's in the mail, Son." "Thanks Dad." So Johnny gets the girl an abortion. And everything goes good for awhile then he knocks another girl up. It worked once so he calls home again. "Hey Dad."

"Johnny, How's the Old Dodge running?"
"Good, Dad Good."
"How's Old Blue?"
"He's good, talking up a storm, but the Professor says he can teach Old Blue to read." "Oh, Money's in the mail" "Thanks Dad." So again Johnny takes the girl and gets an abortion. After Graduation Johnny heads for home and he gets about 10 miles from his house and looks over at Blue. "God, what am I gonna do. Here's Blue, he can't talk, he can't read. He's dumber than a box of rocks." So Johnny took Blue out in the woods and shot him. When Johnny walks in the door his Dad meets him. "Johnny, How's that truck running?"

"Good Dad, Good."
"How's Old Blue?"
"Well, about Old Blue," Johnny wispers, "I was driving here and Blue was reading his favorite paper, and he looked over at me and asked. "So do you think Dad is still screwing the neighbor girl?"" Dad looking astonished says,"OOOhhh, I hope you took him out and shot em."


Lies
Little johnny walks past a priest and the priest says, johnny do you believe in god? johnny says no. You should says the priest, god is there, there, and over there. Johnny says is he in my dads ferrari? Yes of course he is says the priest. Johnny says you're lying, my dad hasn't got a ferrari!


Holy water
Little Johnny's sitting on the street corner playin with battery acid, when a priest walked up and said, "Johnny, you should play with holy water instead. Johnny says, "Why is that?". The priest says, "I put holy water on a pregnant lady and she passed a baby". Little Johnny says to the priest, "That ain't sh*t. I put battery acid on a cat's ass and he passed a Volkswagon!"


Duck
Little Johnny's dad gave him and his 2 brothers each a duck and said "I want you all to go out and sell your duck, the one that gets the most for their duck will be my favorite for this week."
Little Johnny's biggest brother came home and said he got $5 for his duck.

Little Johnny's little brother came home and said that he got $10 for his duck.

Little Johnny went out and saw a lady on the street and said, "I will trade you this duck for a F@*&." The lady traded him and after the sex Little Johnny saw a girl with a duck too.

Little Johnny said "I will trade you a F@*& for a duck." They traded and after that Little Johnny threw his duck in the streeet and it got run over by a steam-roller.

Johnny sold his messed up duck to a blind boy for $20. When he got home he told his father that he got a F@*& for a duck, a duck for a F@*&, and $20 for a F@*&ED up duck!


Sandwich
There is this senior in high-school and he is mad because he has to share his room with his little brother, who is 9, they have bunk-beds and the older brother is on top...so one night the big brother comes home with his girlfriend for a little fun....he says to her.."My lil brother is asleep, whisper tomato for harder and lettuce for a different position." so they get up in the top bunk and start to do it, she begins saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato." eventually she begins to yell "LETUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO" finally the lil brother wakes up and says "would you two quit making sandwhiches up there, your getting mayonaise all over my face."


I know low quality today, but just wait it will go higher again.


Satchmo the man the wmyth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Old blue

Johnny was going off to college. Before he left his dad wanted to have a talk with him. "Son, before you head off to college I'd like you to have the old Dodge truck. It's been a good running truck and will get you around." Johnny says "Gee, thanks Dad." Dad continues, "and Son, Why don't you take Old Blue. He's been a good dog, he'll keep you company at college." Johnny thanks his Dad again and heads off to college in the Dodge truck and Old Blue by his side. While at college Johnny knocks up a girl and trys to think of a way to get some money. So he calls home. "Hey Dad!"

"Johnny, how's the truck running?"
"Good Dad, Good."
"How's Old Blue?"
"He's Good, but the Professor here says for $400 he can teach old blue to talk."
"Oh, Money's in the mail, Son." "Thanks Dad." So Johnny gets the girl an abortion. And everything goes good for awhile then he knocks another girl up. It worked once so he calls home again. "Hey Dad."

"Johnny, How's the Old Dodge running?"
"Good, Dad Good."
"How's Old Blue?"
"He's good, talking up a storm, but the Professor says he can teach Old Blue to read." "Oh, Money's in the mail" "Thanks Dad." So again Johnny takes the girl and gets an abortion. After Graduation Johnny heads for home and he gets about 10 miles from his house and looks over at Blue. "God, what am I gonna do. Here's Blue, he can't talk, he can't read. He's dumber than a box of rocks." So Johnny took Blue out in the woods and shot him. When Johnny walks in the door his Dad meets him. "Johnny, How's that truck running?"

"Good Dad, Good."
"How's Old Blue?"
"Well, about Old Blue," Johnny wispers, "I was driving here and Blue was reading his favorite paper, and he looked over at me and asked. "So do you think Dad is still screwing the neighbor girl?"" Dad looking astonished says,"OOOhhh, I hope you took him out and shot em."


Lies
Little johnny walks past a priest and the priest says, johnny do you believe in god? johnny says no. You should says the priest, god is there, there, and over there. Johnny says is he in my dads ferrari? Yes of course he is says the priest. Johnny says you're lying, my dad hasn't got a ferrari!


Holy water
Little Johnny's sitting on the street corner playin with battery acid, when a priest walked up and said, "Johnny, you should play with holy water instead. Johnny says, "Why is that?". The priest says, "I put holy water on a pregnant lady and she passed a baby". Little Johnny says to the priest, "That ain't sh*t. I put battery acid on a cat's ass and he passed a Volkswagon!"


Duck
Little Johnny's dad gave him and his 2 brothers each a duck and said "I want you all to go out and sell your duck, the one that gets the most for their duck will be my favorite for this week."
Little Johnny's biggest brother came home and said he got $5 for his duck.

Little Johnny's little brother came home and said that he got $10 for his duck.

Little Johnny went out and saw a lady on the street and said, "I will trade you this duck for a F@*&." The lady traded him and after the sex Little Johnny saw a girl with a duck too.

Little Johnny said "I will trade you a F@*& for a duck." They traded and after that Little Johnny threw his duck in the streeet and it got run over by a steam-roller.

Johnny sold his messed up duck to a blind boy for $20. When he got home he told his father that he got a F@*& for a duck, a duck for a F@*&, and $20 for a F@*&ED up duck!


Sandwich
There is this senior in high-school and he is mad because he has to share his room with his little brother, who is 9, they have bunk-beds and the older brother is on top...so one night the big brother comes home with his girlfriend for a little fun....he says to her.."My lil brother is asleep, whisper tomato for harder and lettuce for a different position." so they get up in the top bunk and start to do it, she begins saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato." eventually she begins to yell "LETUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO" finally the lil brother wakes up and says "would you two quit making sandwhiches up there, your getting mayonaise all over my face."


I know low quality today, but just wait it will go higher again.


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[satchmo]

Clinton

Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"

Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."

Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play PRESIDENT!"


Politics

George Bush is out jogging one morning and notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the box, kid?"
Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," says Little Johnny.
"Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.
A couple of days later, George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead. George Bush says to Dick, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Johnny.
George Bush says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
Little Johnny replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!" George Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," Little Johnny explains, "their eyes are open now."


Bathtub Anxieties
Little Johnny and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at Johnny.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

Getting married
One day Lil Johny says to his father: I want to get married. Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind? Johnny: Yes , Grandma Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother? Johnny: Why not? You married my mother.


Smart

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"


Field trip
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"


Role call
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"



Do for a living
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero.....

if(won)
{
llSay(0,"Congratulations " + llKey2Name(player) + "! You Won L$" + (string)winnings + "!");
llGiveMoney(player,winnings);
winnings = 100;
playing = FALSE;
toscratch = 7;
sevens - 0;

 

[satchmo]

Amen

During a children's sermon the pastor asked the children what ’Amen’ means.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "It means... tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!"


Addition

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

Little Johnny: Big hands!


10 Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "Thou shall not kill."



Acting

Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."



Fun Facts

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die; they need gravity to swallow.
Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same number of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella."
Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.
Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life"
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. The frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (formerly of the Monkees).
Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.
Ivory bar soap's floating was a mistake. They had been over mixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax, and correct itself.
The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from the days of old cannons like those used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features in which both parents are present and don't die during the movie.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs--it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

[LaurieJim]

loved the fun facts satch, i even learned a thing or two.....laurie

 

[satchmo]

Johnny at campus

A student was walking on campus one day when Johnny rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

"Where did you get such a nice bike?" asked the student.

Johhny replied "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want!'"

The student nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.


Making faces

Ms. Smith stopped to reprove Johnny for making faces: "Johnny, when I was small, my mother used to tell me that if I made ugly faces, at some moment it would freeze and stay like that." Johnny looked up at her and thoughtfully replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't forewarned."



Eleven reasons e-mail is like a penis:

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.*
7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:

If you play with it too much, you go blind....


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...


Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

[satchmo]

Bookie

It was Career day at school. The teacher asked the children in the class to come up in turn and tell the rest of the class what their father does for a living and spell it. The first little girl came up and said
"My Dad is a Baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he was here right now he would give us all a cookie" "Very good Susie" replied the teacher. The teacher called on Sammy next
"My dad is a Banker, b -a -n -k -e -r, and if he were here right now he would give all of us a quarter!" "Very good!" replied the teacher. Next the teacher called on Peter. Peter stood in front of the class and said
"My Dad is an electrician, e-l-c-k-i...I give up!" The teacher noticed little Johnny in the back squirming in his chair saying "pick me! pick me!" so she reluctantly called on him. Little Johnny stood up and said
" My Dad is a Bookie, b- o- o- k- i- e, and if he were here right now he would lay us all 10-to-1 odds that Peter will never spell electrician!"


Get my wife
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave one night and jumped in a cab to follow her. He soon found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse, grab his wife and bring her into the cab.

So the cabbie goes in, and a couple of minutes later the whorehouse door is kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging a woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.

The cabbie opens the door, throws the girl inside and tells the man, "Hold her!"

The man looks down at the girl and screams to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!"

The cabbie replies, "I know, she's mine; I'm going back in for yours."


Wild side
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."


Healing
An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"


Test
a boy was crying in a diagnostic centre.another little boy came and asked the reason.
boy1:i came 4 blood test and they cut my finger to get the blood.boo boo
boy 2 also started crying
boy 1: y r u crying?
boy 2: i hv come 4 urine test.


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....


Wise man once said "man who stands on toilet is high on pot

 

[satchmo]

Ticket

A little boy was riding his bicycle to school when a policeman stopped him.
"That's a nice bicycle you've got there," said the policeman. "Did Santa give it to you?"
"Yes," replied the little boy.
"Next time, could you ask Santa to put a red reflector on the back, because I'm going to give you a ticket."
The little looked at the policeman's horse, and said:
"Nice horse, did Santa give it to you?"
The policeman laughed, and said:
"Yes."
"Then next time could you ask him to put the dick UNDER the horse instead of ON it."


Bigger

one day little Johhny's family decide to go to a nudist beach.Little Johhny goes off then comes back to his mum and says. Mummy there are women with bigger boobs than you. She Answeres, well the bigger they are the dumber they are. Little Johnny goes off again and then comes back and says there are men with bigger willys then daddy on this beach. Mum said well the bigger they are the dumber they are . Little Johnny goes off once more then comes back and say. Mummy i saw daddy talking to the dumbest women on the beach and the more they talked the dumber he got.


Bad days

A man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots and the bartender says whats the matter the man replys "I just found out my oldest son is gay.The next day the same man enters the bar and asks for another 10 shots the bartender says whats the matter now, the man replies i just found out my youngest son is gay. The next day the man walks in and orders his 10 shots and the bartender says doesn't anyone in your family like pussy, the man replies aparently my wife does.


One of us


A guy walks into a bar in Texas
and orders a white
wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting
to see some wimp.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around
here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a
taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay
boys, he's one of us!"


Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Don't hit guy with glasses....hit him with your fist!!!
Man who drops his watch in the toilet, is gonna have a shitty time all day long.

 

[satchmo]

Unlucky
A guy is in the bar and has been sitting there for a half an hour just staring at his drink, when a big hairy guy walks up, and drinks it. The hairy guy says, "What are you going to do about that?" The guy says, "Nothing. I've been having a terrible day. First I got fired, and when I got home, my wife was there with another man, on the way over here a big truck splashed mud on me and ruined my clothes. So I decided to commit suicide, and I can't even do that, since you just drank my poison!"


Hearing Problem
A man walks into a bar and see's an older man sitting at a table with a miniature piano in front of him. He walked over to the table and noticed that there was also a little man playing the small piano. He asked the guy, "Where'd ya get that?" The man replied, "There's a genie outside granting wishes." So immediatly the man walked outside and found the genie. He wished for one million bucks to be waiting for him in the bar. When he
walked back into the bar, he found a million ducks all over the bar. He stormed over to the older guy with the piano and said, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The older guy said in return, "That genie must be hard of hearing. Do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist??!"


Oppsie
At the end of the night a man leaves the bar.
Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

Blondie legs
What did the blond's left leg say too her right leg?
Anwser: Nothing because they never meet.


Oldie goldie
A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?
The husband replies, All I wanted to do was f**k your brains out and suck your tits dry.

What are you thinking now? the wife asks as she undresses.

The husband quickly replies: It looks like I did a pretty good job.



Little Johnny grows

A reporter visited a man who looks very old but is still very strong. So the reporter asked the men whats his secret of his being still strong despite of his age.
The man answered"My secrets are liquor,girls,drugs and other vices you can think of"
The reporter was so amazed of the mans answer, so he asked the man again "So please tell us how old are you"
The man answered "22"



My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a
long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said,
"There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver
said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created
woman... since then, neither God nor man has rested.


??

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to!


Figure this one out

A king's princess wanted to get married to smart man to rule the kingdom. The king called on the three smartest men in his kingdom to come forth. "I'm going to put either a red or a white dot on each of you foreheads when your eyes are closed." said the king. The men closed their eyes, and the king put a red dot on each of there foreheads. They could see eachothers but not their own. When the men opened their eyes the king said "If you see red raise your hand. All three men raised their hands. "If one of you can tell me what color of dot you've got on your forehead please stand up. There will be no talking." One man stood up, waited a minute, and said "I've got a red dot on my head." How did he know what colour dot was on his forehead.

Ill give the answer tomorow




Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero....

Satchmo say, he who runs behind cars gets exhausted.
Satchmo sayes, Man that screws exhaust pipe gets hot rod... and man with hot rod, burns rubber!
Satchmo say, Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!

 

[satchmo]

Sorry for the late post, my kid was sick so not much time to post....

Answer:
If he had a white dot on his forehead. the other two would've stood up immediately because the other one had stuck up his hand. If the man standing up had white, the other man must have seen red on him.


Tip
Brian, the bartender, asked Johhny, "Do ya know the difference between a
cheapskate and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," Brian explained.


working
Brian: "Carl, stand in front of my car and tell me if the turn signals
are working."
Carl: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."


Las Vegas
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...